Help me, Obi Wan…

Where to start…

I’m having a bit of a day today.  I’m feeling frustrated and confused and claustrophobic and sad and discouraged.  So, I’m putting it all out there in the universe and seeing what happens.

Last post I talked about my paralysis by analysis and alluded to my growing doubts.

Today I’m feeling what I’m calling “professional claustrophobia.”  In every other aspect of my life (family, friends, intellect, intimacy) I’m great.  I’ve taken the time to re-connect with people I care about – I haven’t gotten to everyone, but I’m working my way around.  I feel fantastic about who I am and what I’ve accomplished personally.  However, professionally, I feel like I’m living in a tiny little box made out of Plexiglas.  I can see outside to the goals I’ve set, but I don’t know how to get to them.  I don’t even know who to ask for help.  I’m trapped by – circumstance, doubt, my own limitations – I don’t know.

I keep hearing my mom’s voice telling me, “You always do things the hard way,” and I know what she means.  I constantly re-invent the wheel because I don’t know who to ask for guidance.  I don’t know any other way to do it.  When I have reached out in the recent past, I’ve been either disappointed by someone else’s lack of knowledge or their lack of willingness to help.  So, of course I have become accustomed to just trying to figure it out myself.  Unfortunately, I feel like I’ve reached the point that I don’t know where else to look.

Following the rabbit trail even further – how do I know I’m pursuing the right dream.  What if I’m not getting answers because I’m asking the wrong questions?  What if this isn’t meant to be, so the universe is keeping its lips shut?  How long do you pursue a dream before you give in and decide you’ve chosen the wrong one?

Me - looking out for answers

Me – looking out for answers

I need answers, or at a minimum, someone to point out who has the answers.  So maybe, if I state my goals publicly, the universe will find a way to help me help myself.

1.  I want to produce a television show about people with unique jobs.  How do you become a professional sports mascot?  How about seamstress for a ballet company?  In essence I want people who are seeking unusual careers to have a clearer path painted for them than the one I’m trying to follow now.  Also, perhaps you might learn about a career you’d never considered because you just never realized it was an actual job.

2.  I want to develop other programming for television.  I want to be the next Mark Burnett/Aaron Spelling.

3.  I want to finish the books I’m working on.  I have a few writing projects I keep pushing to the back burner.  I want to go back with confidence and finish what I started.  Then I’d like to publish said projects.

4.  I want to figure out social media.  How do I make it work for me?  How do I avoid feeling like I’m just talking to myself in my little box? I’ve always had a need to be in the “inner circle” of whatever was going on.  I want to be informed and included.  My greatest heartbreaks came from not being included in something.  Right now, I feel like I’m outside of the circle and I don’t like it.

Six months ago my motto was “I know stuff and people like me.”  Today I’m starting to wonder.  I know personally I’ve still got it covered, now I’d like to be reassured professionally.

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