The road to hell…


My grandmother – she also liked, “You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.”

My grandmother always used to say, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  I always thought it was funny, because I imagined an actual road to hell.  But as I got older I realized that so many times I meant to do well and then didn’t – not because I did harm, but because I have no follow-through.  I’ve been plagued by this for my entire life.  My family has come to expect me to not do probably about 50% of the things I say I’m going to do.  In fact, they are kind of amazed when I actually do what I say.  I signed up for NaNoWriMo, and I just don’t know if I have the strength to complete it.

As I watched soccer today I saw fans leaving the stadium with 5 minutes left in the game.  The score was 2-0.  I would never leave a game early…I never leave a theater performance until we are the last left in the theater…I stand outside the theater door in an effort to meet the stars…I hate leaving theme parks…I sit through the credits of movies.  I linger in the hopes of one more magical moment.  I don’t know why I don’t know how to keep with other things.  Perhaps it’s because I’m already in the thick of it.  I’ve committed to the action and how hard is it to stay where you are and let the good things come to you?  It’s much harder to go out and find the good things, especially when you aren’t sure where to look.  My mom always says I do things the hard way.  I don’t think I do them the hard way, I just tend to re-invent the wheel because I don’t know who to ask about those designs.  It’s hard when you don’t know how to do something or who to ask to explain it to you.  I feel like much of my life is about “independent learning” versus learning in class.  Everyone else has signed up for “Life Lessons 101” while I’m trying to figure out how to get the internet to work.

So, I shuffle along.  Now – I’m two days behind already.  I’ve got to write!

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